Chapter nineteen.
I walked quietly to the temple. A statue larger than anyone greeted me first.
I placed the flowers I had prepared in advance at the feet of the deity and bowed my head.
But I couldn't think of anything to ask.
I still had a conscience in which I believed that prayer to God should not include a prayer of revenge or hatred. However, she could not pray for her child, who was no longer a trace in the world.
This child does not exist. He couldn't even die.
But I was very bold and hoped that he would guide me.
In the end, I couldn't pray for anything else, so I bowed my head and headed to the orphanage associated with the temple.
“Kyahaha!”
“Hey, run away quickly!”
“Sister, can’t you catch us? You’re too slow!”
Where did children's laughter come from? The sound of laughter came closer and the child jumped as if brushing the hem of my skirt.
“Oh…...”
As I looked in astonishment, the lively child didn't stop properly and said, “Ouch. I'm sorry!” and ran away again.
He was followed by two children galloping like crazy horses, kicking up dust.
I was a little dizzy because I hadn't seen anyone running around lately, but someone ran after me.
“Those guys! Come back! Do you think you can’t wash yourself if you run away?”
A voice I've heard before. Clear, crisp sound engraved like an intaglio on a picture. But this time her gaze was not cloudy with bewilderment, but rather lively and lively.
It was her.
“Rena?”
A woman who was running towards me with her arms wrapped in simple priestly garb heard me and stopped.
Clear, clear eyes looked at me and opened them roundly.
"… Who are you?"
I felt strange. I've been thinking about this woman one-sidedly for a very long time.
My feelings for her were old inside me, but it was unrealistic for her to ask me who I was.
So I laughed weirdly.
“…Nice to meet you. My name is Carmella Armin. I think you might know me.”
I should pretend to smile more sincerely, but I feel my eyes contracting coldly.
At least she raised her mouth and drew a bow.
“Didn't Sir Bernard tell you I was coming?”
I called her for the first time by her name.
“Miss Rena.”
She recognized me with an expression that she remembered at my words. Her eyes are vibrant. Her lips pursed curiously.
Her upper body turned sharply towards me.
“It's you! Wait a minute.”
Love pours from her eyes like stars.
Yes… ….
I took a step back and spoke calmly.
“Let's talk somewhere quiet for now.”
Rena looked back and smiled.
“Yes, I agree with you!”
Then she took the wheel slowly. I followed her quietly.
She's someone I hate more than I thought.
It's more disgusting than I thought.
My stomach turned.
Rena, who now met her again, still looked innocent.
Her behavior lacked the feelings which a woman entangled with another woman's lover should have felt, and the fear which had come over her from an affair with a gentleman was not hers.
Ever since he stood in front of her and was always her shield, she had grown with an innocence that was dripping from her and knew nothing about the world.
At that moment, the deadly rage rose extremely deeply and then calmed down.
I had a strange feeling of contradiction.
Of course, if I judged her harshly, there might be a suspicion that I started with ugly jealousy because I was the woman who was fired.
Could it be that a person so fragile and pure, who had escaped death so many times, was now hiding in disguise and pretending to be a would-be priestess? Could she be so innocent? As if she had never been hurt.
In Bernard's case, frankly, he could be considered eccentric. However, he can be considered an indifferent person who has few emotions and feelings and shows little joy.
That's why I can also put my thoughts inside me, swallow them, keep them in my mind and wait for the right moment to take revenge.
Even if I have to wait for years.
Today, however, I was emotional, impulsive, and impatient. Just meeting this woman shocked me like this.
“…I heard that you have been through a lot of things, but your expression is bright.”
So I opened my mouth willingly.
I thought my hostile feelings might be transmitted to her with my words.
However, it is not possible to love each other anyway.
It may seem natural for me to show some hatred.
I justified my approach to her in this way.
“Especially when I saw you, I was a little surprised to see how welcoming you were to me. From your point of view, I should be a very obnoxious person.”
When I said this with a smile, Rena's expression hardened. I stared silently at that expression.
What kind of person is she? How could she react like this?.
Should I take out an angelic mask like a snake for her, or should I immediately reveal my spiteful inner thoughts? Or will she respond differently?.
Or, really, really, are you just a woman in love?.
At that time, Rena spoke in a trembling but very calm voice.
“...Bernard suffers more when I feel afraid.”
Then she smiled with a pale face.
“So I'm fine.”
She looked at me with a blank face and said.
“How dare I hate you...? I am at best a governess’s daughter.”
It was a strange face resembling an angel on a temple mural, and a strange expression appeared on it.
Behind her was the shadow of the hall, which was reflected on her white skin, and the sun's rays weakly traced it and cast its golden threads on it.
Her soft lips were mysteriously closed, as if she was trying to say something but couldn't say it.
Those eyes look at me darkly.
It wasn't just because the hallway was dark.
Her hazel eyes were so complex that I couldn't read her expression.
I was at a loss to speak to her for a moment.
Doesn't that sound like she's upset with me?.
For the first time, I thought how dare she. The next moment, I thought that the one standing in front of me was a human, but a boastful human.
I was confused and angry, I couldn't find the words to answer.
Silence passed between us for a moment.
“…The road is dark. Please follow me.”
Rena gently broke the silence and started walking again, looking ahead. But I couldn't get over it as simply as I did.
My mind was complicated.
Obviously, I realized that Rena was not an object, not an obstacle, but a human being.
But only now, I know for sure that the person in front of me is a human being and not a thing.
And speaking of humans – even if you are looking at them right in front of you or talking to them, it is very difficult to understand them.
But one thing was certain.
We're really bad. And she seems to feel that way too.
I agree with that too.
I hated her too. Since I first heard of its existence, until now. My hatred for her continued unabated.
For harassing me without realizing it – and now she dares to blame me for it.
And remind me once again that I am an arrogant and ugly person.
“If it weren't for you, I would be able to live my life under the delusion that I am compassionate, wise, and upright.”
I suddenly realized the fact that I would be happier if I didn't know, and I faced the reality of my ignorance.
But I have no intention of giving up my advantages, the privileges already granted to me. Why do I put it in the first place?.
But the fact that I wasn't quite right hit me like a prickly thorn.
I wanted to close my eyes I just wanted to close my eyes and anger. I simply wanted to hate her.
Humans are bad.
No, the country may be a matter of existence.
The moment you encounter someone, you empathize with them and understand them.
My heart ached. Reveal a face in an instant. When I saw that face looking at me with those eyes, I felt sorry for myself, I couldn't hate her even to death.
“Would I be happy if I gave up revenge?”
She denied it.
'no. I know I can't.
She finally stopped thinking quietly with a sunken face.
All my thoughts are meaningless.
My random thoughts that have no real impact are a waste of energy.
After the two of them were standing, I sat down quietly and chose my words.
The silence between us had already painfully revealed the negative feelings that existed between her and me, so I didn't plan to do any unnecessary acting.
Rena also had an embarrassed expression, perhaps because she had revealed herself so openly.
“Do you have a favorite tea? Of course, there is a certain tea that aristocrats like... Maybe not, but......”
Even when she tried to speak while shaking and speaking out loud, her speech was slurred.
“…the tea is good.”
But I understood too. I didn't want to understand, but I understood.
Whatever was in that silence was so deep and clear, that it was difficult to ignore.
Sometimes, more than a thousand words, one moment reveals it all, just as it did in the hallway.
I hate having a hard time thinking to myself, so I immediately opened my mouth.
“If I said you would marry Bernard, would you accept it?”
Rena's eyes were shaking.
“What are you talking about, Miss Carmela?”
Berries my lips. It was strange. Why do I hate hearing her call me lady?.
How is it so different from Risdell calling me that? It was as if she was poking my weak spot.
“You said that love is the most beautiful thing, and that you would do anything for Bernhard, and that you would even go to hell for Bernhard.”
This was not the plan I had originally prepared.
I intended to promise heaven in the sweetest way with the softest voice in the world.
But I didn't. No, it didn't make any sense.
So instead I asked her directly.
“I will be your angel. I will give you a chance. Please answer me if you have the confidence to go to hell foolishly for love even though you may die and may suffer enough to die.”
I couldn't promise the most beautiful paradise with the sweetest voice in the world, but instead I smiled sweetly like candy.
“Then let me be your fairy godmother.”
Because all you have to pay for is pain.
I've just realized that it's no longer worth getting to know each other slowly or for me to imitate her.
So I asked impulsively without adding or subtracting.
Maybe this is the kind of good intentions I have, albeit endlessly twisted ones.
Rena was silent and asked slowly. With honey-like eyes as she stared at me.
“Why are you giving me this chance?”
I closed my mouth.
Since you had caused me such pain in the past, I couldn't tell you that I couldn't be free without using all this time and strength to destroy you.
So I told her the fragmented truth that no one would understand.
“You cannot be happy if you are not free.”
Rena didn't seem to understand it, but it didn't matter.
I closed my mouth.
Since you caused me so much pain in the past, I couldn't say that I couldn't break free without spending a lot of time and energy destroying you.
So I told part of the truth. And believe me, no one will understand it.
After meeting Rena, I went to talk to my father.
The faces of my parents, who were waiting for me in the drawing room, were heavy as they had asked me to book a table in advance.
Perhaps her encounter with Bernard reached her parents' ears.
So she seemed certain that nothing serious would come of it any way.
I threw a bomb at them.
“Mom, Dad.. I want to forgive Bernard.”
My mother pursed her mouth with a grim expression. My father spoke through gritted teeth with a distorted expression on his face.
“He slapped you on the cheek. Are you saying you want to marry someone like that?”
I answered without expression.
“No, I will not marry him, I will help him marry his girlfriend, Rena.”
It seemed that her words were truly unexpected even for her parents.
“…You…..!”
My father's face immediately turned red with anger. My father, who was about to shout something with his mouth wide open, met my eyes.
At that moment my father stopped.
My father was looking at me with a very strange expression that I had never seen before.
Oh yes.
Come to think of it, I was carefully managing my facial expressions just in front of my mom and dad.
I always wanted to be a grandmother.
However...why? I felt like my heart had evaporated. I was honest in front of my father, so nothing came to my mind.
My father met my eyes while I was still looking at him with an expressionless face, made a sound that cleared the air, then turned his face and sat down in the chair.
There was intense silence.
“...Are you serious...?”
I asked my mother instead of my father.
I looked at my mother for a moment. I like… um. My mother who tried to love me.
And very past. My mother, who did not appear in my life and was seen as a stranger.
“Yes. I think so.”
Was my resentment melting away? Or was I in pain? Will what I do not make me happy?.
I no longer feel like a good daughter.
I was sorry but I wasn't sorry, when I was breaking down, there was no one to love me.
I was trying to forget. I was foolish, and I kept the pain inside me. I did not want to take out my painful feelings, and take out these disgusting and dirty feelings.
I was seen as a very small, ugly and foolish person.
But at night I can't sleep, I put a needle in my hand and hold a thread to sew.
When I forget everything I love, and I look at myself again, and try to love myself in some way, when I cry and tell myself I'm okay.
So the wailing started as if it was the first time.
“Why didn’t anyone save me back then? Why didn’t anyone recognize me until I died?”
Is this love conditional only when the girl is cute like a doll??.
When I'm having a hard time and I'm struggling, I need one last bit of help and there's no help.
“It was so painful… …? Did you love Sir Bernard so much?”
My mother's eyes trembled.