Chapter Sixteen
.Chapter sixteen.
It was strangely cold, so I leaned down.
He would live in a beautiful house, win a prestigious position with his efforts – did he really say he would live with her? Will it be like the couple who appear in stories? They will coexist seriously and care for each other.
He will leave the family, marry Rena... and have a garden with good roses, and a house with a swing, just the two of them.
The world kept turning.
Will you leave everything and be happy?.
You?.
You will have these beautiful things just for yourself.
Suddenly, your lips trembled. I wish I didn't know.
When I found out, my entire body was shaking. I suffered for several years with a broken mind.
You... will be comfortable...? And I am still in pain... I am still in pain, so I am now embroidering vigorously and frequently aimlessly to calm down.
Oh...no, I need to calm down. Aren't you trying to make me happy? I need to calm down. The past doesn't exist anymore.. The past has become, it wasn't, so I'm fine.
I should be fine.
Jed Laknin added.
“He said he wants to apologize to you too. He wants to clarify everything. And take responsibility for his actions.”
At that moment, something exploded in my heart, and I was trying hard to stop it.
He cannot take responsibility for his actions.
The words you said rang in my mind as if someone had said them.
He wants to appear as a respectable person now.
It doesn't matter if I apologize from here until next year, it will be hopeless.
He will apologize for what he did now, he has forgotten what he did in the past, and he will leave his position and be happy.
It was not the responsibility of my beating that you should bear. Rather, you should bear the responsibility of my sadness and pain, and I will make you bear it!.
You must not let the pain you caused at this time escape.
Oh - the Earth is still rotating.
I want to cry.
Why should you leave me stuck in the swamp of pain you threw me into and be happy!.
How could he be so selfish...?.
I would rather be selfish and burn the green and dry in an ugly way!.
Even his beloved, whom he loved, he threw into the same swamp, and he looked at her from afar...!.
I covered my face with both hands. My pale fingers clutch my face.
Why did he run away like that?.
If in this way she finds salvation for herself, becomes good and just, and can live happily.
Something like hell boils in my heart. Those nights of torment when I thought I had alleviated their pain. It all passed in front of me.
The memories and psychological illnesses I had and the repetition of the same hell every time and the miles that I was building in myself every time he demolished.
A time when I could have been beautiful...but he ruined it.
All of this came back to me and hit me to the core... just as if it was the first time.
And I noticed.
If I become happy, I will not find relief from my sadness.
I shouldn't let this happen.
If there is a child of Bernard and Rena born into that harmonious and small family that should have been mine originally.
If they could build a harmonious family like the picture with that child between them.
My eyes were red with tears.
'You can't. You killed my child you can't do that.
At least it was if a child had to be born into a broken family. Their child had to be born into an unlucky family… Their child deserved it.
Oh, I felt like my heart was burning. Tears flowed between my fingers. They continued to flow bitterly.
Even if it's not mine, even if it is. That pain, that hour, that hellish torment cannot be extinguished by anything.
I just hate her and I hate him.
I have to get out.
'Where?'.
I have to stop thinking.
'Why?'.
He doesn't deserve to be happy.
From the moment he killed his child with his own hands, he did not deserve happiness.
I muttered, shedding tears.
“…I can neither forgive nor forget. It is unacceptable for him to be happy this way.”
I was going to ask Jed to state his true intentions. Now that he'd shocked me enough, it was time for me to make him a suggestion.
“Tell me what your intentions are! What you are going to do....”
But the words that came out of my mouth were very weak and trembling. It was a sound I couldn't help but downplay even if I was the other person.
I gritted my teeth to stifle my crying. I don't want to seem weak.
She wiped her face and pursed her lips tightly.
I'm Carmela Armin. No one can underestimate me.
She suppressed her voice, and could barely speak uninterruptedly without trembling.
“I know you didn't tell me this for no reason. What is your goal? What do you want me to do for you?”
Perhaps this was a different reaction than I expected. Jed stared at me as if he was watching for a moment. Then, as if it were okay, he laughed out loud.
“Great. So, are we comrades from now on?”
Then he approached quietly and extended his hand.
“Even if our goals are different, we will still want to break Bernard’s plan for a happy life, so let us achieve good results in the future.”
His smiling eyes narrowed and shined beautifully.
I knew it intuitively.
If I go out now and ignore him I won't get involved. My name will not appear in Bern's story forever.
If I want my happiness and well-being, I shouldn't be drawn into this story.
Getting involved in it will destroy my mind and send it back to the past.
Ah-but dare. Bernard, to have a child with Rena and live a righteous and happy life! After killing my child! How could this happen!.
Seeing that you will have everything respectably and happily, I will die.
I'm so angry and angry I'm going to die of rage.
I took his hand even if there was harm to me, I couldn't bear it.
I vaguely thought this was scary, but now it was okay because I was more afraid that Bernard would be happy.
I returned home floating without a sense of reality, as if I were walking on air. When I entered my room, I didn't know what to do, so I stopped thinking.
Then I suddenly remembered Ian's speech.
I needed something to suppress this overwhelming feeling of unreality.
She took out his letter, which she had stored so deeply, and began to read it without expression.
(If there is eternity in this world, it is in your eyes. I know that eternity exists, it shines only in your eyes.).
So when I look at her, I find myself stretched like a thread and she confuses me as deeply as the sea. Just because she is you.
She frowned and put the letter down. I couldn't read the text well. I couldn't concentrate.
Something flashed in my eyes, I tried to focus. I stared at the paper until I made a hole in it because I was holding it so hard, but I did not feel anything when I read it, even though it was very thin.
I can't concentrate and I can't read very well, I can't get rid of the feeling of reading this thing.
It's true that I was just looking at the letters. In the end, I resealed the letter and walked around the room nervously.
My head was empty. Nothing made any sense.
My heart was restless. I felt like I needed to do something to keep me busy.
So I pulled the string of the bell to ring.
Risdell, who had been waiting in the maid's room, immediately ran over. She waited for my instructions and then looked at me curiously.
“Where have you been, ma'am?”
I frowned. I wasn't angry at Ryssdal's curiosity, I was annoyed at my condition.
It seems that my heart has become like paper.
But I'm sure my heart warmed when I saw this little girl.
“...come back.”
Rysdell looked at me worriedly.
“Are you okay, ma'am?”
I thought about what this child would do if I was okay or not, but I sat down and remembered that she did not know what I went through today.
The only thing she knew was that her lady who came out after looking at the painting had lost her mind and was in a very bad mood.
“Get out. I want to be alone.”
Now, you commit to being kind and gentle with others.
But despite that, I didn't feel pretty and cute even if I did nice things.
She seemed to give her a cold look without realizing it, trying to approach her anxiously.
“Well... I'm sorry, miss.”
Risdell, who was about to approach her when she saw her gaze, shrugged her shoulders and walked out.
“Ah….”
I put my hand on my forehead and lowered my head. I felt disgust pouring over me. My behavior towards innocent people has become sensitive.
But what was much worse than that was that even this feeling came empty from my heart and dispersed as if distorting the emptiness.
“The mood is...weird.”
It's like my heart is completely empty.
I sat quietly for a few minutes to see how things would go. But things gradually became more difficult. It would have been better if my heart was empty to be comfortable, but it wasn't.
"Why did this happen? Why…?"
I was in too much of a hurry to take it. Everything seemed as before. It was painful to sit and stand, and my heart was constantly pounding.
Should I go to mom or dad?.
I got up and then realized, but I have to explain to them why. Why did it get to this point, why were these oscillations.
When I got there, I realized I couldn't explain my suffering to anyone. No one knew at that time, and no one knew about my dead child.
How I wish I had drunk this kind of oblivion when I returned. Then she thought with an expressionless face.
“Oh, it can't be. If I did that, I'd go through the same things again.”
In the end, I did what always worked.
I got a needle and started arranging the embroidery threads.
But no matter what, the needle kept piercing my hand. Maybe it was because my eyes were not focusing properly. I saw things consistently clearly.
When my hand penetrated the needle, I stopped for a moment and then resumed again, and then when my hand penetrated the needle again, I stopped and then resumed.
“Ah….”
Oh, my hands hurt so bad.
I suddenly woke up.
When I got back, I found that the embroidered cloth was completely covered in small traces of blood.
It was funny to look at that. It wasn't funny at all, but laughter escaped my lips.
"What am I doing here? How am I holding small embroidery threads in my hands and trying to live. What is this exaggerated work? What is the meaning of re-passing the threads in this way? This has no meaning. This will not be my salvation."
I angrily threw the embroidery threads to the ground and held my face in my hands.
"This way, in one moment. Everything. A mockery. I had better find pleasure in this rather than pulling the strings together like this. This can't be meaningful. This is not my savior."
I looked at the threads lying on the ground and thought.
"How? In an instant. Everything. Looks ridiculous. I had better be a mocker."
Everything collapsed suddenly. All those efforts you put in. Everything I did to live well. Everything I thought about future happiness.
“I was that weak.”
I didn't realize I was such a determined person. I didn't know I loved my baby so much.
At that time, I suddenly realized that Bernhard could not be a good father to another child.
It was only a short moment. They were together for a very short moment. However, I still considered the baby as my own. I did not know the amount of love I gave him, even if only for a moment.
No matter what, I can't seem to stop picturing them happy together.
I can't do anything about this now. Even if Bernhard changed, it would be of no use. It would have been better if I had died with him, even if I felt slighted.
Internal boiling. I couldn't enjoy anything in this state.
Everything was like sand and I had no feeling or inspiration, just a blur.
“I worked hard, I tried to live well, but everything I did was in vain...”
In fact, I didn't even have the nerve to leave Bernhard's house, this palace.
I realize that now.
But now, they will leave me here alone and leave.
The night is quite deeper.