# 44
“Because he was afraid of being a burden...”
Finally, after Aachen understood Luan's true feelings, he buried his face in his hands.
"He must be heartbroken. If Lynn had said something like that to me, I would have been devastated."
Because she had Shevlin, Helen could understand. Even without experiencing it herself, she could understand what Aachen felt.
“Your Highness.”
Helen gently placed her hand on Aachen's shoulder.
“I'll go talk to the young duke for a moment.”
“You will...?”
Aachen raised his head, looking at her with puzzled eyes.
“There's something I want to say to him.”
“Okay… can you… tell Luan I’m sorry?”
It was clear that Aachen regretted raising his voice earlier.
“Sure. By the way, is there something Luan likes? I feel bad that he came upstairs like that.”
“…He loves cocoa. He has a sweet tooth.”
Aachen replied with a slight smile mixed with sweetness and bitterness.
“Can you prepare it for him yourself? He will like it more like this.”
"Good."
At Helen's suggestion, Aachen headed to the kitchen.
Helen knocked on Luan's door, carrying the cup of cocoa that Aachen had prepared.
“Luann.”
“…Your Highness?”
Moments later, the door opened. Luan wasn't crying.
“May I come in for a moment?”
“Yes, please.”
‘He must love to read.’
Luan's room was full of books, like a small library.
Helen handed him a cup of cocoa before sitting on the sofa.
“You must enjoy reading.”
“……”
Luan didn't answer, as if he didn't know what to say.
“This is made by the Duke. Drink it warm.”
At the mention that Aachen had prepared it, Luan stared into the steaming mug.
“…I don’t understand why you are talking to me so formally.”
“……?”
"I'm only a half-noble. I'm not his real son... so why...?"
Helen saw Luan shrinking into himself, so she spoke cautiously.
“Luan Belzeit. Do I need a reason other than your name to treat you with respect?”
“…Don’t you hate me?”
Helen spoke formally out of respect, but perhaps that made him feel more distant.
She wanted to comfort him, so she softened her tone.
"Why did you say that? What if I'm a bad person?"
“……”
“What I said could have been used against you.”
“Do you… pity me? Do you find me pathetic?”
Luan's eyes widened in shock at her words.
“Yes, I pity you, a child who was forced to live as an adult. And I pity the circumstances that left you no other choice.”
Luan tilted his head, as if he didn't understand it.
“But I told you that I am not my father’s real son. I should only be a burden to you, Your Highness...”
As he spoke, tears rolled down his cheeks.
“I...I don't belong here...”
His cracked, tear-filled voice pierced Helen's heart.
'He's still so young, so fragile... How much has he suffered?'
Helen reached out her hand and gently wiped away his tears.
“I hold you no grudge. I just hope you love me and my daughter.”
“...that's weird.”
“Luan, when I first saw you, I thought you were like me.”
Luan's eyes widened in surprise.
“I thought those around me would be happy if I sacrificed myself.”
“……”
“I felt like nothing I owned really belonged to me.”
Luan, who initially frowned in disbelief, slowly began to listen.
“The moment your name – Luan – was associated with ‘Belzeit,’ you must have felt like you had to erase the person you were.”
“K-How…?”
Luann was amazed at how accurately Helen understood his feelings.
“Because I, too, once lived imitating someone else.”
“…Please, tell me more.”
Luan's voice was cautious, but he wanted to hear her story.
“I lost my mother and younger brother at a young age. I was the only one left alive.”
Luan felt a strange connection with her, so he hesitated before speaking.
“The day my father came to pick me up, he held me in the carriage and said… ‘I’m sorry I didn’t come to pick you up sooner.’ Mom…”
Luan bit his lips, unable to complete his words. Helen sensed his suffering, so she spoke kindly.
“There's something my mom said I'll never forget.”
“……?”
Helen grew up believing that her mother only loved her younger brother.
After all, she herself had not received half the affection that was given to her brother.
If it weren't for those words she overheard one night, she might have thought that all her life.
[“Esh… I’m sorry I couldn’t love you more. You’re still a child, and sometimes… when I look at you, I feel like I want to hold your hand and run away from everything.”]
As she recalled those words, Helen felt a hand gently touch her cheek.
Luan was wiping her tears.
“Don’t… cry.”
“My mother really loved me, more than I could have imagined.”
Helen smiled through her tears and looked at Luan.
"Your mother must have loved you just as much. How could she leave behind a precious child like you?"
“……”
“You are so beautiful that even being touched is an honor.”
Luan didn't look away when Helen touched his cheeks.
“She must have thought about you until her last moment, and her heart clenched with pain as she left.”
The day he witnessed his mother's last moments.
Luan shook his head, remembering the day he stayed by his mother's side until the end.
“She just told me... to become the Duke of Belzeit. Even though I was crying, she didn’t wipe away my tears... Not like you, Your Highness.”
Helen thought of the late Duchess and wondered why she was behaving this way.
“Maybe…because she knew she wouldn’t be there to wipe away your tears anymore.”
"truly…?"
“She must have been so worried about you being alone.”
“…….”
"I'm sure of it. I was a child who received a lot of love. I was a precious person, protected under that love."
Luan felt embarrassed, so he gently swung his legs and lowered his head.
“Luann, please... Shevlin and I...”
“…….”
Even now, as she spoke, she was very careful in choosing her words.
There was something she needed to ask Luan's permission about.
“Can we...become your family?”
Luan's answer was simple.
"…Yes."
He added a small request.
“Your Highness... could you... give me a little pillow to put on my knee?”
“Hmm?”
“My mother... she did that a lot. But if it's too much for you...”
His voice softened. Helen realized how brave it must have been for him to ask that.
“Sure, I can. Come here.”
She patted her thigh gently, and Luan placed his mug on the table before lying down.
“The Duke wanted me to convey his apology to you.”
As she gently ran her fingers through his hair, she conveyed Aachen's message to him.
“...Because of me, bad rumors are spreading. I don't like this. If I wasn't here... everything would be fine...”
“The role of parents is to support the child no matter what he endures.”
“……”
Hearing her firm yet warm words, Luan gasped lightly.
'I always thought he was too mature... but I feel relieved.'
Seeing this childish side of Luan reassured Helan.
“Luan, do you really hate the academy?”
She was worried that he would leave for good.
“No, I like learning. Classes are fun.”
As expected, Luan enjoyed studying.
Acquiring knowledge seemed to suit him perfectly.
“Hmm...so how about we apply for a temporary leave? Winter is coming soon.”
"…Good."
“Take as much time as you want.”
After Helen gently reassured him, Luan smiled slightly and closed his eyes.
“How did the cocoa taste?”
“...It was so sweet...”
Luan's cheeks reddened a little. The taste of sweetness lingered in his mouth.
“But it was delicious.”
“He put too much chocolate powder. Next time, I'll make it for you.”
Helen laughed lightly, remembering how Aachen was floundering in the kitchen.
Her gentle laugh, the warmth of her tender touch...
“Sleep tight, baby.”
While Luan was listening to the lullaby he had always wanted to hear, he fell into a deep sleep.
In his dreams, he found himself back in the small cabin where he lived alone with Rose.
Rose was stirring a pot of tomato soup his favorite dish.
"My mom…?"
“Luann?”
Without hesitation, Luan ran into her arms, hugging her tightly.
Rose, who was surprised at first, quickly hugged him warmly.
“…I've always been worried about you. But now, I think I can finally rest.”
Luan held back his tears as he spoke:
“Mom, I… I found people I want to be my family.”
“I know. I've seen it all. But remember, I'll always be here by your side...”
Rose whispered gently in his ear.
“Whoever you are, no matter what happens, I will always wish you happiness.”
"Good."
“And when a long time has passed, if we meet again… I will be waiting for you here, so you can find me easily.”
Luan's tears flowed as he answered:
“I won't get lost. I'll find you.”
"That's right. I'll see you then. I love you."
With this final farewell, the dream faded.
In the distance, the sound of small footsteps echoed softly.